I enjoy writing. I love words. I love telling a story and writing about my experiences. Yet when my fingers hit the keys of my laptop, words fail me. How can I describe the love I have for my daughter when I can’t even comprehend it myself? Here’s my attempt.
From the moment she was born I couldn’t believe she was mine. MY daughter. A combination of her Dad and I. A beautiful creation and a precious gift of hope we had longed for since our miscarriage. A miracle and a clear demonstration of Gods grace to us.
The moment I laid eyes on our daughter, I gasped a breath of air, disbelief that she was here and an overwhelming sense of love I had never experienced before.
My labour and birth was traumatic, but when it was all over and I could finally hold my baby, I remember just gazing into her eyes, stroking her face and wondering how I could love this baby anymore than I already did. It wasn’t the love I was expecting though, it seemed small at first and I didn’t quite feel that connection straight away. I knew she was mine, I knew I was her Mum but I still needed the love to develop.
We then brought her home and my love continued to grow. This love that began small was snowballing by the day. Gazing into her beautiful big blue eyes, observing every intricate detail of her face; her nose so perfectly formed, each eyelash strategically placed, her skin so delightfully soft and smooth, her already tight grasp of my finger from her tiny hands- I just loved her so much. I held this small bundle of joy in my arms, she lay close to my chest and was comforted by my heartbeat- how could I love this baby anymore? How could I describe how much I loved her?
Each day she grows even more beautiful and even more like her Dad (I think). Already I feel her slipping from my arms as she grows and changes. I can now empathise with how Mums must feel when their children ‘flee the nest’ as it were; when they have their first day at nursery, school and university, when they move out of the family home, when they bring home their first boyfriend- even just typing this I’m welling up!
Part of me wants to stop time and hold onto her just as she is, yet the other part looks forward in excitement about the morning she realises I’m her Mum and smiles at me with a look of love- not wind! The day she shyly hides behind and curls around my legs when she feels shy and uncomfortable. The day she calls us Mummy and Daddy and we have a conversation. The day she takes her first steps and realises she can use her legs to move around and explore…and the many more milestone memories to come. I constantly go between wanting her to stay my little baby and being excited about all the amazing things she’ll do in life.
I didn’t think it was possible to miss someone when they’re right in front of you. I hold her in my arms and still don’t feel like I get enough of her, I don’t feel like I’m taking it all in- the enormity and realisation that she’s actually in my arms, she’s here, our daughter is just too complex and real to comprehend. I want to bottle every moment and treasure every memory.
It’s funny how even in the middle of the night when I’m literally dragging one arm behind the other, stubbing my toe on the corner of the bed, stumbling around in the dark and thinking ‘I really just want to go back to bed’ how when I look into Ava’s basket and see her eyes meet mine with a cheeky grin- everything I felt before melts away and I am graced with a new lease of energy and enthusiasm! Love seems to conquer tiredness, a bad attitude and anything else that comes to steal my joy – this indescribable love I have for Ava displaces all that. She becomes my world, my focus, my priority and everything else just fades away into insignificance.
My own Mothers words ring so loud in my ears now, ‘when you become a Mum Cheryl, you’ll understand!’ I used to roll my eyes when I heard that phrase, but it’s like anything- unless you’ve experienced something it’s very difficult to understand.
It’s as I type out these words in an effort to describe my seemingly indescribable love for our daughter, how the words I write don’t bear any resemblance or description of my love for her, that I imagine just how much God must love you and I. If He can bless us with a child where we can’t even comprehend this ‘love’ I’m talking about, then how much must God, who created you and I, love us? It blows my mind. Being a mother has reaffirmed in so many ways, how much God loves me. How His love is even more unconditional than the love I pour out on Ava. How unfailing and steadfast His love is for me. How His love doesn’t begin small- He already loves us more than we can imagine. On occasions in the future when mine will waver and fail, His never fails, His love never changes.
Whatever you’re going through, however you’re feeling, I pray that reading this has reaffirmed for you, just as it has for me, how much our Heavenly Father loves you! When you feel unloved- know that HE loves you, when you feel alone- know that HE is with you, when you feel worthless and unwanted- know that HE has chosen YOU, when you feel afraid- know that HE brings light into the darkest of places. HE loves you – unconditional and eternal love.
Romans 5:8 (AMP)
But God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
1 John 4:16 (NLT)
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.
God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.
John 3:16 (AMP)
“For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] [a]only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life.
1 John 3:1 (NLT)
See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!